Hurting Inside and Out

Sitting here TRYING to eat. My very best friend has left my side yet again. Our visits are usually about one time a year and they are never long enough. she was gracious enough to come out here and be at my side, helping me, my kids, staying in the hospital with me, cleaning up after my kid pukes and even showering with me and washing my butt. *giggles* yea she lucky. LOL!!!

Another dear friend Kim delivered some food earlier today and I made the bubble up pizza after Barbara left. Bubble up pizza is made with pillsbury dough cut up and w/ pizza goods on top. I had a terrible migraine and neck pain as Barbara said goodbye to me and I stood there sobbing. Besides missing her terribly the anxiety of her leaving my side during my healing tugged at my heart and ability to breath in... anxiety.  She has been so amazing in my life, never judging me and always there with an ear no matter how much I've gone through in life. Sometimes you just find that golden friend that you can say anything to and never worry about what she may think about you because its never bad and always received with open arms and an open heart.

As the front door shut and I literally just stood there alone sobbing like an abandoned child for several minutes I decided I should try to eat and relax before the pain gets even worse. Popping the food into the already preheated oven I realized the heat from the oven, over the neck, not so good. :\  I sat and rubbed my neck and cried harder. Its amazing how many different emotions effect you from surgery alone not even counting the whole cancer part. Small things make you cry and feel anxiety. Its a lot of hurdles to get over yet you dont want to keep complaining about pain and anxiety, at least I dont. I try to be strong and happy and enjoy every minute I have with my friends and family.

Finally got to eat the pizza, guarding my neck as I pulled it out of the oven. I put it in a bowl since its biscuit pieces and tried to dry my tears so I didn't get the added salt to my food LoL I realized besides the pain on the inside from my friend leaving the pain was so bad I could barely open my jaw to put the fork inside. The pain has really radiated today. I missed taking my meds on time by just a couple hours but that in combination with crying left my neck stiff and hurting and my jaw seized and chin nerves stinging in pain. So I'm dealing with the pain inside and out and I try to shove the food into my teeth and know that someday soon my friend will come back to see me again soon and next time will be fun and not full of puke and butt washing. LOL